Anything You Can Do, I Can Do WORSE
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: The Straw Hat Crew has series of arguments that lead to a hilarious job switch. Can Zoro actually cook food or Chopper navigate the Merry-Go? And who would survive Luffy as the SHIP'S DOCTOR? And is that worse than all the other switches? Warning: Some OOCness and weird happenings.
1. Switcheroo

Calm, cool water with giant dolphins drifting lazily under the Merry-Go. The day seems suitable for peaceful sailing...if only the actual _boat_ was peaceful...

"What the hell is this?" Zoro asked stabbing his fork through the green leaves littering his plate. Most of it was covered in vinaigrette along with bits of radishes and carrots. It looked like a miniature forest had sprouted right in front of his eyes.

"What do you mean 'what the hell is this'? It's food. I would expect you to know that." Said Sanji as he lit a cigarette and walked back over to inspect the plate. "There's nothing wrong with it. Everything chopped correctly, proportioned evenly, enough vinaigrette, too. Stop complaining and eat it."

Zoro sighed roughly. "I get through with 1,000 benchpresses, 500 sets of sit-ups and push-ups, along with a 4 hour nap. When I get up I want MEAT, not the damn Smurf village on a plate!" He tossed his fork to the side. "I'm not eating this shit."

Sanji bit his cigarette in half. "_What did you just say about my salad?_"

"You sound upset. I don't know why, just stating the facts. I don't feel like eating tree leaves when I wake up."

"It's not _tree leaves_, it's a Caesar salad. Something more masterful than the meat on a stick that you and Luffy usually gobble from the port villages. Maybe if you eat more greens you'll have less of a chance of falling dead of a heart attack from over-training, _you green haired bastard_!"

"At least I'll die quickly! Those cigarettes will give you lung cancer for years, especially with how skinny you are. I can hardly see you when you turn sideways!"

While Zoro and Sanji started to tear the boat apart with their fight Chopper walked up to Nami for the twentieth time in 5 minutes to ask her the same question. "Are we there yet?"

"DAMN IT, CHOPPER! We'll get there when we get there! Leave me alone so I can figure this out." Nami shouted, growing irritated as she traced a path along the map she was holding. "It won't be for awhile anyways, I made a small mistake somewhere..."

"Awww! A mistake! We've been drifting for hours! I need to pick up some balm so I can put it on Usopp's spice burns." Chopper said pointing a hoof at where Usopp laid on the deck immobile with Luffy leering over him.

Glancing up at the sound of Chopper's voice Luffy yelled, "Hey, Chopper! Couldn't we just wrap him up in bandages and put him somewhere? Like a mummy! That would be neat. At least so he's not in the way when I have to step over him...plus his groaning is bumming me out."

"Luffy, I told you we just can't wrap him up. It's the wrong way to treat his injuries. Besides-"

Usopp spoke up at this moment. Or mumbled is a better word. Luffy bent down so he could hear him. "I think he says he wants food."

Then Usopp sprang up with a yelp of pain. "I didn't say anything like that! I said if you didn't issue that order to raid the chili spice wharf earlier then I wouldn't be burned like this. I mean, what kind of captain would do that?!"

Luffy paused for a moment. "Umm, me, I guess. But it was totally worth it. Enchiladas for weeks on end for my crew. Extra spicy...yum."

"You wouldn't have to deal with it if Nami would go the right way." Chopper said nonchalantly.

"YOU WANT TO PILOT THE SHIP, PIPSQUEAK?! Fine. Navigate. I'm taking a beauty nap."

Luffy's eyes lit up. "If you're navigating then I'm being the ship's doctor. I bet I could make Usopp better in no time and everyone else!"

Usopp began to back up steadily. "If you're the ship's doctor then I call Captain. Captain...Captain Usopp. Usopp the Captain. The Great, Stupendous Captain Usopp."

"Honestly, I'm not a cooking man but I think I can do better than Cancer Stick over there at preparing the ship's food." Zoro smirked as he leaned against the main mast for a snooze after fighting half the day.

Sanji approached him. "Oh, really? Like doing a bunch of sit-ups and benchpresses is so difficult. Or swinging a stick of steel. Fine GreenMoss, I'll be the swordsman. How hard could that be?"

Through this Luffy was tapping his chin deep in the dangerous zone of thought. "That job's taken and so is that one, and that one, so...NAMI'S SHARPSHOOTER!" Luffy ran to the navigator office and banged on the door. "Come on Nami, this is going to be fun. We're all getting new jobs."

"GO TO HELL LUFFY AND LET ME SLEEP!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I can feel a crack-fic brewing! Luffy as the ship's doctor...everyone run for their lives. XD**_


	2. Zoro's First Cooking Lesson: Flambe

Zoro agitatedly scratched his head as he looked over the stock of food in the ship's pantry. Over half of it was vegetables, a third was fruit (which wasn't bad), and the rest was weird looking _things _that looked like they come alive in the middle of the night. Only a small part of the stash was actual meat.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this crap? Half of these things don't even look edible, let alone something I want to cook. Maybe if I took a bunch of this meat and tossed it on the stove..."

Leaving off with that thought, Zoro rummaged through the cupboards to find a pan to put some oil in. Not knowing how much to put in the pan, he dumped a good quart into the saute pan and put it on the stove to heat. Then he tossed a giant slab of lamb in to cook.

"See there? Cooking not as hard as that jerk makes it out to be. Especially if you cook it right. Now I'm gonna-" But before he could figure out what else to make of the pantry an annoying cry sounded from the deck below.

"Zoro! The Great Captain Usopp is demanding your presence! COME ON! I've been yelling FOREVER! I DEMAND OBEDIENCE!" The call rang out shrill and echoing through the kitchen window. Like it has been for the last hour. A very long hour.

Grumbling curses under his breath, Zoro left the pan and the meat simmering away as he stomped down toward the deck. "Dammit! What the hell do you want Usopp?! I'm cooking...or trying to...and what the fuck is that thing?"

Usopp was lounging at a table in the middle of the deck with his feet up underneath a huge umbrella. He was sipping water through a coconut with a contented smile on his face. But on his head was the largest, corniest, pirate hat ever. It had tassels, and gems, and sparkles, and..._puppies? It has PUPPIES?_

After sucking the coconut dry Usopp turned his attention toward his servant, uh, fellow crewmate. "Ah, about time you showed up. I've been calling you forever you know. Not obeying captain's orders is mutiny. I could have you walk the plank for that-"

"Try it and you'll be dead in an hour."

"-But I guess I could forgive a simple underlings mistake. Anyways, I was just calling about my dinner. You have prepared it to my standards, yes? Nice, beautiful plate with perfect meat and some fresh fruit on the side, maybe a margarita and-"

"Do I need to kill you know or when you're sleeping? I suggest sleeping, you won't feel much." Zoro said darkly as started to approach Usopp slowly. "I don't take orders from anyone."

Seeing the menace on Zoro's face, Usopp quickly jumped up from the table and ducked underneath it. "You have to! I'm the _captain!_"

Zoro kept coming.

"Stop! Now! Right now! I ORDER YOU TO STOP IN THE NAME OF CAPTAIN USOPP!" He cried as he cowered with his hands over his head.

But before Zoro could raise a fist to snap Usopp's nose in two there was an explosion from the kitchen. A major explosion. And don't forget fire. Lots of that as well.

"MY KITCHEN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAMN KITCHEN!" Sanji in hysterics. Pure hysteria.

"Relax! I'm going to throw water on it!" Zoro called, sprinting toward the kitchen with a giant pail of water.

"DON'T THROW WATER ON AN OIL FIRE, BASTARD!"

_**BANG!**_

"Zoro! As captain I command you save me from this fire IMMEDIATELY! Please...HELP I'M ROASTING!"

By the time the fire was out the kitchen and most of it's provisions was burned out, except for the weird non-edible things that no one wanted to touch. And there's no port in sight.

For a long while.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_That went perfectly disastrous... and the chapter title implies that Zoro WILL try again. _**

**_Now everyone run before Luffy starts healing people in the next chapter._**


	3. Luffy's First Patient

_**You know, comments would be nice... Or I could just give you cupcakes...**_

_**Made by Zoro...You see how serious I am.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

The damage to the kitchen was superficial despite losing half the meat, vegetables, and fruits. No one was seriously hurt, except for Usopp who was currently being used as fish bait by Zoro. Nami slept through the whole affair, Chopper was trying to teach himself how to navigate the Merry, and Luffy was wrapping himself up in most of the bandages.

Despite being severely heartbroken about his kitchen Sanji decided to give the workout thing a try. What was the point of taking this bet if he couldn't show the fire-starting asshole that he could do a punch of benchpresses?

_I wonder if I should warm up first? Nah. What's the worst that can happen but pulling a hamstring? _Sanji thought as he gripped onto a giant dumbbell and grunted to lift it. It took some effort and did put quite a strain on his legs. _Maybe I should lift with my back, instead?_

Switching to that tactic actually made it easier to life the dumbbell...for ten minutes. When bending over to put the weight down Sanji had a sharp crack. At first he couldn't register where it had come from, then as the pain washed over him he realized: it was his back.

"_Holy HELL! IT HURTS!" _He screamed as he tried to stand up straight which only resulted in my jolting pain. As of know Sanji could not unbend himself and could only look between his legs.

"_I need a doctor!" _Only too late did he realize what he just said.

"Who said DOCTOR!? I'm an amazing doctor, I'll fix you right up!"

From between his legs Sanji saw Luffy bounding toward on his rubbery legs covered in most of the medical bandages. He wore a this-will-be-fun-and-hurt-alot smile stretched across his face. With not much speed Sanji tried to hobble away, but Luffy stretched out his foot and plopped right in front of him.

"Boy Sanji, you look worse than usual, which is saying a lot." Luffy smiled as he started pulling out a multitude of sharp objects from the first aid kid. "Don't worry, where's the wound and I'll sew it up with the pointy needle. Jab, jab, point, point, hahahaha!"

Seeing that there was no escape Sanji quickly stammered out, "W-wait, no! NO! It's no wound! M-my back. It's my b-back, okay?"

Luffy stopped with the needle and took note of Sanji's posture. "OH! Well all we have to do is bend you back up. Easy isn't it? Come on, let's get you healed!" He proclaimed as he went behind Sanji, leaned over, and took his shoulders. "READY?"

"NO!"

"Count of three! One...THREE!"

"AAIIIEEE!"

Meanwhile, Nami was glancing over Usopp's various slingshot bearings deciding which one would hurt more. She didn't really want to play this switching game, but seeing a perfect chance to hurt Zoro and remind him of his money debt seemed like too good an option to pass up.

"Let's see. No, no, no, YES. This one is extremely heavy and that red flare possibly means it's explosive. Nice. Now that ass we cough up the money he owes me..." She said with flaring eyes as she marched out onto the deck and took aim at the back of Zoro's head.

Pulling back the bearing in the sling she whispered, "_I don't like being stiffed. Eat lead." _When a smooth motion she let the bearing go and it hit Zoro squarely in the back of the head and blew up. "Booyah! Oh Yeah! Pay me my money prick unless you want another!"

Rubbing his head madly Zoro glanced into the water and exclaimed, "You made me drop the fishing rod!"

Nami huffed, not liking the way he was ignoring her jibes. "So? Get another one."

"I would, but the idiot was one the other end of it."

"You mean"

"Pretty much."

"HELP! CAPTAIN USOPP ORDERS RESCUE! NOW!"

Looks like the boat will have to be turned back around. By _Chopper._

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**No pressure Chopper. Just don't sink the boat or hit Usopp with it. **_


	4. Chopper the Kinda Navigator

_**I honestly have no idea what these boat terms mean either...I asked a friend. XD**_

* * *

Chopper didn't know a thing about sailing or navigation. His best bet was to cram all the information into his head by reading a how-to book. Which didn't make any sense to him at all. And Usopp's yells were fading away by the minute.

_How do I even _read _this thing? _Chopper thought as he flipped through random pages and diagrams. "Um, a lay line is a course on which your boat, sailing close can just make a windward mark which is to be rounded to port is the starboard tack line and-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP!?"

While still flipping frantically Luffy appeared next to Chopper and tapped him on the antler. "You know we're leaving Usopp behind, right? Aren't you going to turn the boat around?"

"_I'm trying!"_

"Really? Because we're not turning around or anything so I thought-"

"GO AWAY."

"Alright, alright. Just thought you should know, that's all."

Down below on the main deck Nami was snickering. "Come on, Chopper. It's easy, right? Just turn the wheel and you go in that direction. But you have to account for the leeward, mainsheet, reefing, luffing-"

"I'm Luffy!" he shouted somewhere in the background.

"I said _luffing_, that's entirely different. Numbskull."

"Can't we use a sextant or something? Doesn't that help with navigation?" Sanji asked as he flexed his back and looked out at the water. "Usopp's going to die."

"A sextant is a boating instrument that can only be used by pinpointing a star's location and-"

Not really knowing what Nami was talking about Chopper ignored her and walked over to the wheel of the boat, looking over it cautiously. _This is my best shot. _He put both hooves on the wheel and spun it clockwise. The ship moved counterclockwise. He spun it the other way, the boat went in the opposite direction.

"Why's it doing that? Is it haunted or something?"

"It's not haunted, doofus." Nami said from where she was standing, watching Chopper turn the wheel. "The boat's just not gonna turn because you turn the wheel, you have to adjust the sails too. You know, I'll even help a little, only because I don't want to kill Usopp."

Now knowing what they were all supposed to do the rest of the crew set to work moving the sails while Chopper spun the wheel in random directions hoping that the speck that was Usopp would steadily get closer.

But one person wasn't doing anything.

"Zoro! Why are standing there? Grab a sail and start moving it somewhere so we could hurry and get Usopp before he drowns!"

Zoro seemed to be thinking it over. "But if we save him then he'll go back to being irritating and very annoying, but if I don't save him then I won't have anyone to vent my anger out on...Hell, I guess I'll help him."

_He only wants to save him to use as a stress ball...is he even seriously concerned? _

After a few hours of struggling and certain mishaps (which included Sanji almost going overboard himself after a sharp turn) the Merry-Go eventually reached Usopp who looked very, very not alive.

Chopper came to the stern of the boat and peered into the water at the prone figure. "Oh no! I killed Usopp! This is terrible and I thought we were going to be best friends forever. I can't believe I couldn't save him."

Everyone was quiet for a stark moment before Luffy rushed to the side and stretched his arm out to pluck Usopp from the water. Quickly he laid the prone figure on the deck and started to climb the mast toward the lookout nest. Once there he called down, "Don't worry, Chopper! DOCTOR LUFFY TO THE RESCUE!" And he jumped...dead center into Usopp's stomach.

Usopp's eyes popped open and he started to sputter and cough. Everyone started to cheer and clap while Chopper boounced up and down chanting, "He's alive, alive, alive!"

"I'm the best doctor ever, aren't I Usopp?"

He croaked something so garbled that no one could hear.

"What was that, buddy?" Chopper asked leaning down to listen.

"I said, AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, MY SPLEEN!"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Next: Zoro takes another crack at cooking and Doctor Luffy strikes again._**

**_Still to come: Captain Usopp gets to lead the crew in an attack against bandits and Nami gets to sharpshoot again. Like that didn't cause problems before..._**


	5. Zoro's Last Cooking Attempt (Dead? IDK)

The Straw Hat Crew was _starving._ The lack of food was making everyone cranky and restless. Chopper was occupying himself going through Nami's maps and drawing bunnies on them, Nami was terrorizing Sanji with Usopp's slingshots because she was bored, and Captain Usopp was hiding from Luffy who was making him take a multitude of medicines that he had made himself.

Zoro was in the semi-demolished kitchen trying to figure out what to give everyone so that they wouldn't attack him. "Goddamn, is there _anything _left in this kitchen or do I really have to use Usopp as bait again for the fish?"

Shifting through the diminished pantry he came across some charred lettuce and a weird object that looked like some type of alien fruit. He sniffed it and judged that it was good enough to give to everyone. Better than eating air.

He carried the fruit over to the kitchen counter and started to cut into it. A funny smell wafted out of it. "It doesn't smell pretty, but Luffy will eat anything." He muttered as he continued to cut. After parting it all he picked up a small piece and studied it closely. "Hell, it wouldn't hurt to try it."

But it does hurt to try it. It may even _kill _to try it. The fruit is the _Cerbera odollam _and comes from the Suicide Tree (this is a real tree). As the name states, it is a highly poisonous fruit that looks kinda like a mango. Why it was on the Merry-Go in the first place, ask Nami.

The crew heard the commotion over the complaining of Usopp. All of them rushed into the kitchen to see that Zoro was grasping at his throat frantically and making hoarse cawing noises.

"Aahhh! Why's his face blue!?" Usopp screamed as he caught a glimpse of Zoro's disfigured face. "I think he's sick on something!"

"Sick? I know what to do for him!" Luffy said excitedly as he bounded for the door. He paused as he passed Usopp and put his hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"That doesn't make me feel better!"

Chopper ran to the counter where the rest of the fruit was sitting and sniffed a piece. Gasping he said, "It's poisonous! We have to get it out of him quick. Someone do something!"

Sanji was struggling to get his arms around Zoro. "Who would bring a poisonous mango thing on the boat in the first place?"

Hearing the word 'poisonous' and 'mango' Nami finally started to take interest. "Poisonous mango! That fruit is highly rare and is worth a _fortune! I was gonna sell that thing! _Damn fool, MOVE OVER!" Nami knocked Sanji out of the way and gave Zoro a whomping punch to the stomach. The toxic fruit chunk came shooting out of Zoro's mouth and rolled across the floor.

Zoro fell to the ground and lay there, grasping at his throat. He looked on the brink of death.

Then Luffy came in. Holding a needle. A HUGE needle. "I AM A DOCTOR!" He yelled as he launched forward and stuck the syringe into Zoro's neck and pressed the plunger.

"Luffy! That was _morphine. _Now he's gonna be dopey and groggy for the whole ride to the next town." Chopper said rubbing his hooves against his cheeks. "Not to mention that it is highly expensive to get..."

Luffy looked at the empty syringe, then reached into his pocket and took out another one. "If this makes people groggy then..." One minute he was standing over Zoro and the next he had stabbed Nami in the ass with the other syringe.

"WHY'D YOU DO THAT LUFFY!?"

"She looked like she was gonna yell at everyone. This solves the problem for now. Can I keep giving it to her if she wakes up?"

"NO."

"Do any of you need any of this?" He asked as he took out some more needles and came toward Chopper, Usopp, and Sanji.

All of them backed up saying "no thank you" and ran out onto the deck leaving Luffy with two unconscious people and the rest of the poisonous _Cerbera odollam._

"Is anyone else hungry? Oh, what's that?"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Someone please tell Luffy not to touch the fruit. And that morphine shouldn't be used daily, even on Nami._**


	6. Old Biddies

After the fiasco with the death fruit Zoro was more or less recovering from the poison and Luffy's terrible doctoring, Nami's morphine had worn off so no one wanted to be near her, and Sanji had burned the rest of the demon fruit in the stove to prevent Luffy from eating it in a fit of hunger.

Usopp and Chopper were on the topmost deck lounging next to the ship's wheel and discussing Usopp's future plans to captain the Straw Hat Crew (despite Chopper's hints that he would not be captain for very long if the bet starts to bore Luffy).

"I was thinking that we should change the crew name..." Usopp mused as he leaned on the wheel. "How about...Usopp's Untouchables! That seems a befitting name for a crew with a worthy captain like me! What do you say Chopper, Usopp's Untouchables sound nice to you?"

Deciding that he would indulge in Usopp's madness, Chopper nodded as he tried to get Usopp to lean off the wheel. "That sounds perfect! Now, can you lean off the wheel please? You're turning us in the wrong direction."

"Maybe after announcing the name change the crew can stop by that island that is told to have mermaids inhabit its rocky shores. Yes...mermaids for all! Except Nami, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Sorry to dampen that dream, but mermaids drown, and sometimes eat, men. And I don't think they have any qualms eating reindeer meat, either."

Pouting, Usopp put his hand to his chin and tried to think of elsewhere to celebrate his new crew. "Well we could always go to that-AVAST! There is a vessel that wishes to dock with Captain Usopp's Marvelous Merry-Go! Pull in to meet them, Chopper."

Chopper took one look at the other boat's inhabitants and decided that he wouldn't dare breath the same airspace as them, let alone communicate with them. "I don't think they're friendly, Usopp. They may be bandits or other pirates trying to claim that reward for Luffy."

"Nonsense!" Usopp said, grabbing the wheel and spinning it toward the opposite boat. "They just want to bask in the knowledge that is Captain Usopp. Maybe eve ask for my autograph. I better get my pens ready."

The rest of the crew (except for Zoro who was snoozing) filed out of the cabin rooms to see why they had changed course. The boat in front of them was powder blue with a jolly roger of a skeleton with a million cracks in it, like wrinkles, and a velvet wig on top of it. Next to that was a smaller flag with a calico cat etched on to it.

But that wasn't the surprising part. The surprising part was the crew: It was a crew of old ladies. Old ladies with old hairstyles, knitting needles, purses and big, fluffy dresses. On board with all these little old ladies were about 60 cats, mewling and playing with multiple balls of yarn.

"A pirate ship of old ladies? With cats? That's not an ideal crew for sailing these type of seas. They're probably lost and need some help from a younger crew to point them to a different island of something. I don't see the harm in helping them." Sanji said, leaning over the railing to see the ship clearly.

Nami snorted. "They shouldn't be out here in the first place if they didn't know where they were going. But by the looks of their dresses they seem to be rolling in cash. I say we can charge them for a little extra assistance if they really need some help."

"You have don't have a heart, do you?"

"They're a bunch of old biddies. Money is probably spilling out of their purses from old inheritances and wills. Also, how can they afford to feed all those cats without cash? Robbing people?"

At this point Luffy cut in, "I hear old ladies are excellent cooks! Think one will come over here and give us food or something? I'm starving and Sanji incinerated the only edible food on the ship."

"It would have killed you, idiot."

"But it was food..."

On the top deck Usopp was already trying to gain the attention of the captain. "Hopefully she can see me through her cataracts. Oh! She's looking this way now. And she's waving and smiling. She must be one of those sweet ones that bake cookies 24/7."

What Usopp saw as a smile Chopper saw as a snarl. And the waving was more like her shaking her fist at them and damning them to hell. Before Chopper could say as much Usopp was already calling at the top of his lungs to the other crew and their cats.

"I am Captain Usopp of Usopp's Untouchables! We are pleased to make your acquaintance dear elderly captain and welcome you to bask in the knowledge of my greatness!"

The small old lady that was waving to them took out a megaphone and said, "Thank you, my young boy. That's very kind of you. Now, would you please bring all weapons, gold, and other valuables to the deck?

"You are being invaded by Olga's Old Crones."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Long wait for an update...(see chap. 11 of Camping Chaos for reason, too lazy to retype)**_

_**Anyways, Usopp has some old ladies to fight...Is it bad I don't think he'll win?**_


	7. Chalk One Up For Usopp!

You would think that it wouldn't be too hard to fight old people, right? You are very wrong. Not when they have knitting needles as lances, guns full of itching powder, and that some were very adept in aiming their purses at your nose. Oh, don't forget the millions of cats that have claws which weren't trimmed for weeks. Not only that, but also consider that half of the Straw Hat Crew weren't even trying to hit them.

"Idiots! Why aren't you kicking old lady ass! You're like, ten times bigger than them!" Nami screamed as she wrangled with a lady over a chest of jewels. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MONEY BITCH!"

Sanji and Chopper were indeed not throwing any punches at the elderly invaders. They almost seemed scared to.

Chopper's voice piped up from a cloud of itching powder. "I don't feel comfortable hitting old people, Nami. I don't want to hurt them."

"I gotta agree with the scratching reindeer." Sanji said as he dodged purse punches from the woman in front of him. "I mean, who would hit an old lady? I wasn't raised to be cruel to the elderly, even if they're trying to kill and rob us." As he was saying this an old lady came up from behind and hit him in the nuts with her purse. "MY GOD-she has quite an arm..."

"Fuck being cruel to the elderly! Look at Luffy, he's doing just fine."

Luffy was indeed picking up old ladies and tossing them back across the railing to their own boat. They landed with shouts of 'Oh, my hip' and 'My back'.

Usopp, who was busy keeping a small army of cats at bay with a chair, called down to Luffy, "What are you doing!? Be gentle with them or you'll kill someone's grandma."

"This is being gentle!" Luffy said as he tossed another old lady. "Also, this is kinda fun. Like discus throwing. There goes another one!"

Seeing that her crew was in trouble, Olga grabbed a knitted scarf and swung herself over to the Merry-Go. She had an extended knitting needle in one hand and was pointing it threateningly at Usopp's face. "Your crew is nothing but a bunch of hooligans and roughians! Especially when you tossed by Flopsy into the ocean when you came by us."

"Flopsy? Flopsy? I don't know any Flopsy! Nope, no memory." Usopp said, panicking as the lance buried itself in the wood at his feet. "Please, don't kill me! I don't know who Flopsy is, or you for that matter!"

Olga hefted her lance and slashed it across Usopp's overalls, leaving him standing in his underwear. Another slash almost took out his nose. He yelped and stumbled onto his back while trying to pull his overalls back up.

"Liam! What did I tell you about lying! I saw you clear as day throw poor Flopsy into the ocean. Throwing a tantrum because I wouldn't let you borrow $20 dollars. What kind of grandson did my daughter raise?!" Olga cried, swinging madly.

Sanji was back on his feet and wobbling away from a barrage of cat claws and purses. "I didn't know your name was Liam. Or that you had such an unappealing grandmother." The comment earned him a fresh scratch across his cheek and a knockout punch from an old lady needle.

While cowering behind the main mast on the ground, Chopper peered around it and studied Olga. _Why is she calling Usopp 'Liam'? And_ s_he__'s__ squinting an awful lot. So much that she can hardly see anything... _It dawned on Chopper quickly. "Usopp! She can't _see!_ I think she wears glasses!"

Nami glanced up from her tug-of-war with her old lady. "That's either really stupid or great deductive thinking. Someone better do something quick to get this _old whore off my money!_"

Suddenly a cat was flung into the lady fighting with Nami.

"Woot! Ten points!" Luffy cheered as he picked up another cat. "If I hit the Captain then I'll get 100 points! Move a little bit, Usopp! Can't see."

"Hold on a minute Luffy!" Usopp was taking Chopper's deduction seriously. If he could just get Olga to stop swinging that damn lance then he may be able to remedy this problem. "Uh, ah, Miss Olga, you look very, um, non-ugly today-WHOA!" He narrowly dodged the lance before it chopped off his nose. Retreating a few more steps he bumped into a cat that hissed menacingly at him.

"Ah, nice kitty. Nice kitty. What's your name?" A glance at the cat's collar spelled the name 'Flopsy'. "OH! Miss Olga, wait! Is this your Flopsy right here?" Usopp asked as he held the bad tempered cat above his head.

Caught off guard, Olga lowered her lance. While she squinted at the cat Usopp took off his goggles and boosted the magnification. He slapped the goggles over Olga's eyes and backed away with his hands above his head.

Olga felt the goggles on her face, then went back to looking at the cat. "Flopsy? It really is mama's PookyPie." She lifted the cat to her shoulders and looked around dazed. "You're not Liam. And this is not my spoiled grandson's ship." The old lady whistled and all of her crew immediately dropped their weapons. "Old Crones, back to the ship! This is not Liam and his crew!"

All the old ladies started to shuffle across their boarding planks back to their own boat, purses and cats in tow. The last of them were Olga and her Flopsy, who apologized profusely for the misunderstanding. Usopp accepted the apology and even let the lady keep his goggles.

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but good job Captain Usopp!" Sanji congratulated Usopp with a slap on the back. "Better than what Luffy was doing, flinging cats and old ladies."

"Hey...This is just a bet you know." Luffy added from behind. "I'm the actual captain here."

"At least you kept them from taking my gold. Now all you have to do is be less annoying. Unlike Luffy." said Nami.

"Captain right behind you! Don't talk like I'm not here!" Luffy started waving his arms and jumping up and down. "Besides, Usopp is the same level of annoying than I am!"

"Three cheers for Usopp's Untouchables!" Shouted Chopper jumping on Usopp's shoulders.

"The name is THE STRAW HAT CREW!" Luffy stomped away into the lower decks, flipping over Zoro's hammock in the process.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

**_Luffy's worried about his Captain post...How would Nami feel about her navigating post? _**


	8. Chopper, Follow the Dolphins!

_**One reason for the long wait: School's a BITCH.**_

_**On with the story!**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Luffy was bored. Beyond bored. Now he has discovered that he could moan just loud enough to scare seagulls off of the ship's mainmast. "Fwwwaaaaahhhh, fuuuuuwwwaaaahhh, faaaaahhhh...Seeeeaaaaaguuuullllssss."

"Quit moaning or I'm gonna smack your mouth to the back of your head!" Nami shouted as she continued pacing back and forth like a caged panther. She didn't like being bored either and she was slowly running out of insults to shoot at people.

"But I'm _bored. _We've haven't seen land in, like, two weeks. And we hardly have any _MEAT..._" Protested Luffy as he continued to watch the seagulls. If he could stretch fast enough to catch one then... "Hey Sanji! Know how to cook a seagull?"

Sanji was busy practicing with one of Zoro's cruddy swords. He wasn't half bad, but that still didn't convince Zoro to let him borrow one of the three good ones he kept to himself. "I would say I know how how to cook everything. Unlike a certain Mosshead I'm thinking of."

Zoro was finally on the mend from his near death experience and was already back to napping 5 hours a day. He thought it would be decent to take pity on Sanji and teach him how to swing a sword. He was wrong. "Shut up and work on your backswing. You look like a one-armed drunken sailor trying to swat a fly and dance a jig at the same time."

"Don't talk about your mother that way."

"I was referring to your sister."

"Okay you two, no more lewd comments on _my _ship. I'm sure we'll reach land eventually so everyone could blow off steam." Usopp intervened as he strutted the top deck next to where Chopper was manning the wheel. Leaning over he whispered, "Um, anyways, how long until we reach land again? I'm aching to get off this boat...Luffy's been giving me the death glare as of late..."

Chopper was frantically scanning over a threadbare, crusty yellow map. "I'm trying as hard as I can. Some of these maps are a thousand years old and are in dead languages." Maps were strewn every which way on the top deck, some big enough so that Chopper could sleep under them. It was bad enough that he couldn't read the maps, but he didn't even know which one to use.

"Just ask the fire crotch and we can get to some dry land." Zoro called up to Chopper. "She may only brag for about an hour at least, give or take-"

_THWACK!_

A ball bearing the size of a baseball connected dead on with the center of Zoro's forehead. "OOOOOOWWWWW! The _fuck. _You PMSing or something? That was a steel ball bearing!"

"Then don't talk. _EVER._" Nami was tossing another ball bearing up and down in the palm of her hand. Turning to Chopper she said, "It's okay if you want to quit the bet and let me take over. I won't even talk to you about it. Just gloat to the others. Whaddya say?"

_Well that's definitely not going to happen. She'll never let me live it down...I'll have to swim for the rest of the voyage just to avoid her mouth. _Chopper sighed roughly. _If only these maps made more sense. Wouldn't it be a luck break if one was written in animal tongue or something..._

That's when he spotted the small patch by his hoof. It was a perfect 5x5 square and was shaded a deep forest green. On the map was a single island that was shaped like a porpoise with an X marked right on the dorsal fin. Directly to the east of the finn was a body of water labeled 'Dolphin Dive' and had pictures of dolphins jumping out of the water. With _two dorsal fins._

"This is interesting..." Chopper was studying the map closely when he heard Luffy yelling in excitement from below deck. Zoro and Sanji were also yelling, but for an entirely different reason.

"You damn idiot! You can't _swim! Remember!?_" Zoro said as he held Luffy around the waist to keep him from jumping overboard. Sanji had Luffy by his ears of all places and even that didn't slow him down. He was insistent on getting in the water...

….To eat a dolphin. A whole gaggle of them had appeared out of nowhere and were chittering with each other as the jumped out of the water. And Luffy was hanging on to one by its dorsal fins.

"I'MMA EAT ME A DOLPHIN!"

The connection clicked. The dolphins in the water had the same number of dorsal fins as the ones on the map. So if they were to follow them...that would lead them to land and possibly food!

Quickly Chopper told the crew to turn the boat around and follow the dolphins and Luffy. After a few miles of sailing an island was visible on the horizon. The crew quickly moored the boat along the shore while the dolphin Luffy was riding bucked him off onto the beach.

The beach was littered with fruit bushes and coconut trees. Small and seemingly tasty animals ran along the beach and borrowed in the sand. Seeing the abundance of potential food Sanji and Zoro sprang into action hunting and gathering. Luffy was already in a palm tree using his head to crack coconuts.

But Chopper, Usopp, and Nami weren't concerned with food. They were concerned with the giant chest rotting in the underbrush. The chest that was overflowing with gold and jewels.

"WHOA! You lead us to _treasure _Chopper! That's a true navigator." Usopp said, giving Chopper a friendly noogie between the antlers. "You're getting the biggest piece of it."

"Aw shucks! That sounds great!" Chopper laughed and blushed.

Nami, who was shoving gold coins into her pockets, paused. "What the hell do you mean 'biggest piece'? _I'M _getting the biggest piece. _Do. You. Understand?_"

Usopp shook his head and tapped the end of his nose. "Yep. But only the captain and navigator get the biggest piece of treasure. Or at least now they do since I'm the Captain and I say so-OUCH!...Luffy! Why'd you throw that coconut?!"

"My hand slipped?"

A giant rock flew by Chopper, narrowly missing his head. "AHH! WHERE'D THAT COME FROM!?"

"Whoops..._my hand slipped._" Nami seethed as she started to heft another rock. "It may slip again any second now..."

Chopper and Usopp took to their heels and back to the boat.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Never get between a psycho and her gold... Zoro and Sanji next! (My FAVORITES)**_


	9. Old, Senile Swordsman

Further investigation of the island revealed that there was a small town on the far side of the jungle. Eager to find other people besides each other to talk to the Straw Hat Crew struck out to see what it had to offer. The answer: not much.

Most of the shops were run-down driftwood cabins that barely had anything on the shelves by the way of selling. The fruit and vegetable stands were either bare or covered in semi-rotting produce. In the middle of the village square was an old lady that was trying to sell a diseased goat for a million berries.

Luffy voiced the thought that everyone was thinking. "This place sucks."

"It sure does, but why does it with that much food growing and running around in the forest right next to it? It doesn't make sense." Sanji said as he knocked on the wall of one of the cabins. His fist made a medium sized hole in the rotted word, an obvious termite problem. "Ick."

"Come on, it's not _that_ bad. I mean, sure it's dank and smelly and filthy. But it beats going stir crazy on the boat, right?" Chopper said, trying to make the most out of the situation. In all truth, there was no way he was going to trap himself on the boat with Nami breathing down his neck. He'd take his chances with viral disease any day.

Usopp felt the same about Luffy. For all his love of fun and games, Luffy's "pranks" were beginning to get dangerous. Being stuck on a boat and having to watch his back all the time gave Usopp the creeps. He'll just wait until Luffy cools off a bit and that would be the end of it.

"You guys may want to look around this dump, but all I want to do is get that loot back to the boat and count it. _And I'm staying on the boat. _So no one come bothering me with nonsense." Nami said. Actually, she only wanted to be alone on the boat so she could stash the gold in some places. Equal cut, her ass.

Chopper caught on to that too, but he wasn't going to say anything. He grabbed Usopp by the pant leg and started to lead him in the opposite direction. Luffy had taken an odd interest in the sick goat and old lady. Hopefully he wouldn't turn that into some type of problem that the crew had no buisness solving.

Which only left Zoro and Sanji to pick a place to go. Hands in his pockets, Sanji scanned the town for anything that seemed remotely interesting to do. He would have rather been back on the boat with Nami, but she was in a killing mood. His eyes passed over it a few times before they settled on the blacksmith shop at the far end of the square.

Nudging Zoro he said, "Hey. Why don't we head over to that place there? I could probably get my hands on a good sword and show you just how much skill I have with a blade. I'll even bet money that I can prove to be better than you."

"Oh, really? I would be laughing right now if I didn't feel sorry for you. You're going to be out of a lot of cash. Plus, I don't think that place even has a suitable kitchen knife, let alone a sword."

"Sounds like you're scared."

"I am not scared. I just believe in a fair fight."

"Guess it wouldn't be fair if you were too scared to swing, would it?"

"Okay, how far away is the place? I'm in the mood for hurting something."

The two of them started towards the blacksmith's on the edge of the town, snipping at each other the whole way. They passed by Luffy who was trying to trade medical bandages for the sick goat. "Hey, Zoro, Sanji! I want this goat, but the old lady won't take bandages for him. Got any cash?"

"Like we would lend you cash to get a diseased goat that would kill over in a couple of days. What the hell do you want the thing for?" Zoro asked.

"And please don't tell me you want to eat the thing. I'm not butchering it and it'll probably kill us with some stomach worm." Sanji added.

"I don't want to eat it. I have a better plan for it."

"Which is?" Zoro asked.

"This is going to be our mascot: Merry! Since the ship is the Merry-Go? Besides, I think if I bring a mascot it would remind everyone that _I'm _the captain. Pretty smart, huh?"

Shaking their heads, Zoro and Sanji left Luffy to his own means of getting the goat. When they got to the cabin door Zoro pushed it open and called to see if anyone was there. And that's when the butcher knife flew past them and into the doorframe.

Both of them started to take up fighting stances and stopped. The person who threw the knife was a small old man with a cue ball head and a beard that swept the floor when he walked. His hand was frozen in the position from which he threw the knife while the other tapped his cane on the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL'S WITH YOU?" Zoro demanded unsheathing his sword, ready for a fight. Before he could advance Sanji barred his way.

"Wait a minute. I think he may be _blind._"

Just then another knife flew past them, this one chopping Sanni's cigarette in half. Then a red hot iron poker skewered the floor between Sanji's feet.

Zoro pushed in front of Sanji. "Blind my ass! He knows exactly what he's aiming at. Any higher and you would have been a girl." Another knife came by and clipped his hand, making his sword clatter to the ground. "Damn he's good."

The old man smiled as if he heard that and approached the two of them. He stared up at them quietly, not saying anything but swaying side to side as if to some invisible music. Zoro was right, the look in the old guy's eyes didn't say he was blind.

It said he was senile. And very dangerous.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Again, long updates=lots of school work. Although my mind's running with all kinds of scenarios this crazy old guy could put Zoro and Sanji into. I just have to pick one. **_

_**And maybe Luffy will buy the goat...**_


	10. I Don't Like Coconuts

_**Okay, I know I've been a bad author, so many long waits for updates. But maybe a few reviews will boost my updating? Huh, huh? :D**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Turned out that the senile, old nutcase didn't want to kill them and bury them in the backyard. He was just on edge and very, very lonely. Once he saw that Sanji and Zoro weren't there to rob him of what little things he had he invited them in warmly to sit on the floor. That's right: on the floor. Because there were no chairs but one.

Not knowing what else to do and afraid that refusing my result in a steak knife in the back, the two of them sat down in front of the forge where the swords were made. Without his cigarette Sanji sat on the floor and fidgeted. Zoro managed to retrieve his sword from the ground before sitting down so that made him somewhat comfortable.

The old man quickly produced some moldy cheese and stale crackers on a plate and sat in the only available chair. While stuffing his bearded face (to the utter revulsion of the other two) he asked, "What brings such young lads as yourselves here to this crap heap? I'm retired from swordfighting and I don't make swords that are worth a shit anyways. Neither do I have a lick of money."

Shifting his legs beneath him Sanji started, "Well, uh, _sir_. What brought us to this crap heap was-"

Suddenly the old man was out of his seat, wielding a serrated knife that had came out of his sleeve. He had it within inches of Sanji's nose. "DON'T CALL MY PLACE A CRAP HEAP! DISRESPECTFUL YOUNG'UN!"

"_You're _the one who called it a crap heap! What's where you're jabbing that thing- A little help here, asshole?" Sanji was scooting back on his butt to keep the old man from cutting his nose off.

Zoro stifled his laughter and managed to get an arm around the old coot's waist. "Hold on, geezer. Don't go giving yourself a heart attack. We're just here to borrow some swords and settle who's the best swordsman outta the two of us. Then we'll leave you to your moldy cheese and crackers."

The old man instantly stopped moving and Zoro released him. "Well! Why didn't you two say so!? The great Hawkeye Mihawk will certainly judge your swordsmen competition. Come out back and let's get started!" He tottered out of the hut into the backyard.

Unless Mihawk had aged a magical 40 years, Zoro knew better than to call the old man a fake. He still had some suitable skills and may accidentally skewer one of them. Shrugging his shoulders, Zoro followed the shambling figure with Sanji right behind him.

* * *

In the backyard the senile coot had given Sanji a standard sword and place him and Zoro at opposite sides of a long table. On the long table was an assortment of fruits, vegetables, and coconuts.

"Heeheehee! Okay, here's the test: who can cut the most of these items in half in one minute! On your mark, get set...GOAT!"

Zoro immediately swung his sword and chopped three apples and a coconut neatly through the middle. "Ha, this'll be a piece of cake. Don't fall behind! Maybe you would want to start swinging your sword now." He taunted at Sanji who still had his sword frozen in the air.

"But he didn't say 'go', he said 'goat'. That's entirely different." Sanji said, standing with his sword poised in front of him. "Basically, you're cheating."

The old man jumped in, bouncing up and down of his toes. "Yes, yes, yes! That's right, right, right! _You,_ greenhead, are _CHEATING! _What kind of swordsman doesn't know how to follow instructions? Brownie points to the blond pretty boy!"

Sanji beamed, despite the fact the he was just called pretty boy. On the other side of the table Zoro was trying to keep his cool. _Guess he's right, I DID go before he said 'go'. And he is a senile old bastard...let it slide._

Stiffly, Zoro etched a smirk on his face and said, "Alright, I get it. You just got lucky _pretty boy_. Be ready for the real test."

The second time around the old man actually said 'go' and the sky was filled with flying fruits, veggies, and coconut pieces. Zoro was smoothly slicing his way through the items on the table making a lot of mess, all while smirking victoriously. Sanji was having a harder time with the coconuts and decided to focus on just the fruits and vegetables. He was moving painstakingly slow because he was trying to make sure he cut each of them even without much mess.

At the end of one minute Zoro had cut most of the items on the table and was already beginning to gloat. "What, were you trying to be an Iron Chef or something? You didn't even try to cut the coconuts. Couldn't handle it?"

Sanji replied, "At least I cut them _neatly_. You got more on us than you did on the table. Also, the way you mangled the fruits, no one would be able to eat them. You're a chef's worst nightmare."

While the both of them were bickering the old man went calmly around the table and examined every piece of fruit, vegetable, and coconut. Various times he stopped and ate what was lying there making satisfied smacking sounds with his lips. He clapped his hands sharply three times to get Zoro's and Sanji's attention.

"I have decided that the pretty boy has won the contest."

"_Are you KIDDING me__!_" Zoro yelled angrily. "Why the hell did he WIN? You see I clearly had more done than him and he couldn't even chop a damn coconut in half. Your craziness hasn't affected your ability to count, has it?"

The old coot cackled gleefully and popped a slice of banana into his mouth. "I can still count to 50 ya know. Plus, you cut the coconuts in half. I don't like coconuts. And you made a mess. Didn't your mother tell you to be neat when you cut your food? Pretty Boy wins. Go away now."

"Hahaha! Sweet! You owe me some money, MossHead! Ha, I'm a better swordsman than _you!_" Sanji cheered triumphantly as he danced a jig with the crazy old man that gladly danced with him. Both of them linked arms and headed back to the falling down cabin.

Seething with anger and bloodlust Zoro charged at the backs of the two of them meaning to lop off some head when he slipped on a banana peel. He was dumped into a splattered mess of blueberries and strawberries. Now even more enraged, Zoro got up and stomped on the remaining fruit, cursing and shouting at the sky.

He was flat broke.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Now how will Zoro pay Sanji? Probably by trying to kill him... Well, now half the crew is feeling jealous. What should they do now? **_

_**Get even, of course.**_


End file.
